hel-lo

Long post - 16 fun facts about me!

Rules: Once you’ve been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 16 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. At the end, choose 16 people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you. If I tagged you, it’s because I want to know more about you.

I was tagged by… darkhorsedan.

1. I don’t think I’m ever going to get used to working full-time and seriously resent not being able to do what I want, when I want. I think I’m only ever going to be happy working for myself.

2. It is one of my very dearest ambitions to be an excellent pole dancer. During what I found to be a horrendously depressing 3rd year at uni my weekly lessons were the only think that could cheer me up. I get very defensive when people think its about trying to be sexy. It is in fact an incredibly challenging and athletic skill to master. I am very much NOT a natural so I have a lot of work to do. 

3. Secretly, I would like to be able to do sexy pole dances but I would fear being laughed at. 

4. The most expensive thing I have ever bought cost £3,325. I just so happened to have £3,335 in the savings my parents and grandparents had made for me as a kid. (See point 8). I strongly advise ever trying to talk to me about it, I will most likely start crying and it will be embarrassing for all concerned. (See point 14).

5. Growing up I wanted to be an actor, as this is the one thing I had any kind of natural talent for. I went to drama lessons every week and won my schools Shakespeare Speaking Competition, but soon realised it was a pretty shitty job as 90% of actors are out of work. I miss it now. In my first every acting role I played a maggot.

6. As a result of pondering the last point, I have just emailed Beckenham Amateur Dramatic Society enquiring about joining. 

7. Half of me things I’m really great and half of me thinks I’m a complete and utter knob-end. There’s not really an in-betweeny opinion, but it kind of balances out. 

8. In the past few years I have come to believe that the universe is essentially absurd and meaningless. That nothing exists beyond the material, and basic chemical reactions. But I’ve done pretty well so far and sometimes secretly I like to believe I’m lucky. That there is some guiding force that makes things slot into place for me, that will always look after me. You can take the girl out of catholic school….

9. I’ve been a vegetarian for 10 years, but recently I’ve started dabbling in fish. I realised that fish are pretty boring and I don’t really care if they die for me to eat, but it still kinda scares me. If I give up the only consistently disciplined and principled thing I’ve ever done, what will become of me?

10. My email to Beckenham Amateur dramatics society just bounced back. I am a bit sad now.

11. I am a bit worried that I’m going to fail at life and be an unhappy grown up. But maybe part of growing up is realising that I’ll never be truly happy and you’ve just gotta get on with it. Ah-ha! Take THAT anxious sub-conscious! 

12. I feel guilty for worrying about anything because I live such a privileged western lifestyle of excess while there are people starving and dying in horrific circumstances and here I am going ‘Oh shiiiit, I don’t know what to have for dinnnnnner, I’ve got too much foooood.’ like an absolute twat. 

13. Someone once told me that a film i made reminded them of Nighty Night, one of my favourite ever TV shows. I have never been prouder.

14. I hate the way I have such a low crying threshold. Like, I don’t have to be THAT distressed to burst into tears, it just happens. There are so many important things that have gone unsaid in my life because saying them would have made me start crying, and it would be deeply embarrassing/inappropriate.

15. Being in love for the first time is amazing, but occasionally I feel deeply pathetic for being so reliant on someone else.

16. I’m a bit worried that I have written too much on here and now everyone will hate me because they’ll think I love talking about my myself.

I have nobody new to tag. I might start crying. 

“I fucking hate my life…”

…is a statement I made last night and instantly regretted. I really have no reason to complain, and its absolutely disgusting when I consider what a privileged life I have compared to most of the world’s population. What a spoiled little brat I am.

Today, I am in a much, much better mood, am I am trying to figure out why so I can try hold on to it.

Here are some of the possible reasons why:

1) I went back to work and realised its not nearly as bad as I remembered in the holidays.

2) It’s the new year and I feel like I start afresh and be a lot less shit than last year. ie. fitter, healthier, more entrepreneurial. 

3) I am in love and have recently had a good dose of my lover.

Problem is with good moods that if you try to analyse them too much then you risk loosing them. It’s like trying to put a cloud in a box. You risk just poofing it away. 

but I want to go here more than anything.